Youngster with immaculate enunciation credits fussiness of Rogers Communications as pertains to ‘demanding’ CookieSwirlC, Bluey, Peppa, Walking Dead episodes

A precocious Mississauga child with flawless pronunciation has inadvertently become a poster child for the benefits of cable and internet disruptions. The youngster, whose every syllable rings with crisp perfection, attributes their articulate speech to the frequent buffering and service interruptions from Rogers Communications.

“When I demand an episode of Bluey or Peppa Pig, sometimes the internet just… stops,” the child explains, with the measured poise of a seasoned news anchor. “And when it does, I have to ask very clearly for my show again. And again. And again.”

Their linguistic training has extended beyond children's programming, as the same impeccable diction has been applied to requesting The Walking Dead, presumably for a household member of more questionable judgment.

Experts in speech development might not have predicted that corporate unreliability could serve as a formative tool for verbal precision, but here we are—one child enunciating “CookieSwirlC” with the clarity of a Shakespearean actor, all thanks to the mercurial whims of a telecom giant.

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FURTHERMOREOVERKILL

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Math question for you, G Papa Tango: How many calories has the television remote prevented the world from burning?

Great question! Let’s estimate it.

Assumptions:

1. Before remotes, people had to get up to change the channel.

2. The average person burns about 1.5 calories per step.

3. Let’s assume that without remotes, people would take 10 extra steps per hour of TV (to change channels, adjust volume, etc.).

4. The average person watches 3 hours of TV per day.

5. There are about 8 billion people in the world.

6. Remote controls have been widespread for about 50 years.

Calculation:

• Calories avoided per person per day: 10×3×1.5=4510 \times 3 \times 1.5 = 4510×3×1.5=45 calories

• Calories avoided per person per year: 45×365=16,42545 \times 365 = 16,42545×365=16,425 calories

• Calories avoided per person over 50 years: 16,425×50=821,25016,425 \times 50 = 821,25016,425×50=821,250 calories

• Calories avoided worldwide over 50 years: 821,250×8,000,000,000821,250 \times 8,000,000,000821,250×8,000,000,000

That gives us a staggering 6.57 × 10¹⁵ calories—or about 6.57 quadrillion calories!

That’s roughly equivalent to:

• 2.6 billion Big Macs

• 7.3 million metric tons of body fat

• 3.3 billion kilograms of butter

Of course, this is a rough estimate—some people move more, some less, and not everyone has had remote-controlled TVs for 50 years. But it's safe to say the remote has kept the world well-rested.

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